


Origins, or How John Hart Made His Triumphant Return to Torchwood

by SailorSol



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Torchwood
Genre: Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-16
Updated: 2011-02-16
Packaged: 2017-10-15 17:29:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/163152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorSol/pseuds/SailorSol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Let me tell you a story, love.</p><p>Once upon a time there was a dashing and handsome rogue Time Agent by the name of... well, one of the names he went by was Captain John Hart, and that's a good place to start his story."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Origins, or How John Hart Made His Triumphant Return to Torchwood

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty much crack. I wrote this last summer some time and never got around to posting it. Not entirely canon-compliant, Buffy-wise (only made it through season 6 of Buffy and season 3 of Angel). Set after Children of Earth, as far as Torchwood goes.
> 
> No real knowledge of either fandom is required, except that the same actor played both characters.....

Let me tell you a story, love.

Once upon a time there was a dashing and handsome rogue Time Agent by the name of... well, one of the names he went by was Captain John Hart, and that's a good place to start his story. As I've mentioned, he was dashing and handsome and nothing if not clever in all ways, especially when it came to women. Or men, he wasn't all that picky, as long as they were pretty.

Captain Hart was always looking for the thrill of adventure, especially after his former partner left him and ended up settling down with a bunch of humans (albeit pretty ones) in a not-so-secret-underground-lair sometime in the early 21st century when it wasn't entirely acceptable to be omnisexual, nor immortal really, as Captain Hart later learned his partner had become (and was entirely unwilling to share the secret, bastard that he had become after turning all righteous and boring, much like other people he would end up associating with over time).

As such, during his never-ending quest for adventure and excitement with a side of sex and alcohol, Captain Hart would use his vortex manipulator to travel through time to the most exciting places he could remember from the history classes he tended to sleep through during his days in school. As could be expected, it usually turned out poorly for our attractive anti-hero, but he continued to persevere. Wars were usually too risky, and plagues tended to be more boring than one was led to believe with all the death going on.

Finally, he settled on seeking out his ex-partner in an earlier timeline, in the hopes that he would be more exciting than the later version who was all stuffy about things like having his team members killed and his city blown up, even if things didn't end up nearly as badly as they could have and there was hardly any death involved and it was barely his fault to begin with. So our charming Captain Hart went to the late 1800s.

Unfortunately, at that point, his vortex manipulator decided to up and die, and since he wasn't exactly in the best graces of the Time Agency (or what remained of it by that point in his own personal timeline), he couldn't call for help. And besides, he ended up with a bit of a concussion and a minor case of amnesia which led to his being taken in by a nice old lady who turned him into a bit of a foppish nancy. But there were some pretty women, even if no one of the time had any appreciation for fine poetry. Damn fools that they were, everyone ended up laughing at him and it ended in a painful bit of rejection the likes he hadn't seen since Eye Candy had threatened to shoot him that one time.

So he was doing what any reasonable bloke would do in the situation, moping about, when a lovely sight came his way. Unfortunately for him (or maybe fortunately), she ended up being a vampire. She was a lovely vampire at that, and it was great fun running around with Dru and Angelus, causing all sorts of mayhem the likes that wouldn't be seen by him again until sometime in the thirty third century.

Though of course he couldn't actually tell them until sometime around that point that he was actually born sometime in the seventy-third century on a human colony off in the Andromeda galaxy. He did still remember his time and training as a Time Agent, because it was something useful to remember, especially when he hit the early 21st century again and could find his former partner and do a little bragging about his own brand of immortality.

Everything had to go to hell of course, though powerful (and sexy) vampire he was, he managed to keep things from _literally_ going to hell (mostly), because he did want to be born some day and not rip apart the universe with a paradox or two. Too bad Dru never could understand that one, though he never did bother to try all that hard to explain to her why she couldn't erase existence and the twenty-seventh century was definitely one to hang around for.

So that's more or less how I came to be strolling into your (gloriously underground) Hub to show your Captain Harkness that he's not the only immortal around these days. And by the way, don't you just love loopholes? After all, he's not _entirely_ human, if you get my drift.

Now, Gwen, isn't it? Lovely name, Gwen. How's that delicious husband of yours? Such a shame about Eye Candy. Why don't you put the tea on while I wait here for Jack to return, and maybe the three of us can have a go at it?


End file.
